Solitude

I'm enjoying a bit of solitude this morning.  Sometimes it's nice just to breath in the silence.

“Solitude is the furnace of transformation. Without solitude we remain victims of our society and continue to be entangled in the illusions of the false self.”  - Henri Nouwen from "The Way of The Heart"

Fresh Fiction in Progress

I'm tinkering with a new story idea.  One of the main characters figures out that the "music" she's been hearing since her early childhood is simply Creation's Song.  While questioning why this revelation took so long, she writes a poem in her notebook.  I don't think she'd mind if I share it. *wink*

Creation’s Song                                                                    
                                                                    
Can you hear it?
The ancient hum of the old forest,
the sway of the harvest in the fields,
the gentle babble of the stream over smooth stones,
the choreography of fireflies on a summer night.

Can you hear it?
The rumble of the storm in the distance,
the quiet dance of falling snow,
the rhythm of ocean waves crescendo on the shore,
the symphony of the stars.

Creation sings!
Glory to God,
a vibrant expression of praise.

Creation sings!
Praise to the Lord,
a melody of joy rising within.

Creation sings!
A gracious glimpse of His glory,
for those who would stop and listen.

Shhhhh.
Can you hear it?




Psalm 96:11-13 "Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound, and all that is in it.  Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.  Let all creation rejoice before the LORD..."

Author Unknown

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

"The Prayer of Sir Francis Drake" - 1577??  I have yet to find a reliable source to confirm this.  Can you?

I Love Books

(Because a typical book list just won’t cut it, here’s a random book you can find on my bookshelf.)

Dune by Frank Herbert

I love this piece of classic science-fiction.  The desert planet Arrakis, aka Dune, is the only planet where Spice can be found.  More valuable than gold, Spice is a mind-altering substance that facilitates interplanetary travel, among other things.  Think peyote, only way cooler.   As such, whoever controls Dune controls the universe. (Insert music for dramatic effect here.)

There are two royal families constantly fighting for control of the planet: House Atreides and House Harkonnen. Paul Atreides plays the young heir usurped by the Harkonnen who forcefully take over Arrakis causing Paul and his mother, the Lady Jessica, to run hiding in the desert. Unknown to him, Paul is destined to become the planet's Messiah, a long-prophesied savior who will help the native people of Arrakis reclaim their planet.

Also woven into the story are a “religious” group called The Bene Gesserit, a sisterhood whose members train their bodies and minds through years of physical and mental conditioning in order to achieve superhuman abilities which they use for political posturing, among other things.  The empath in me (more on that another time) loved these characters and the idea that your mind is capable of much when properly focused.  My favorite quote from the book is “the litany against fear” used by the Bene Gesserit to focus their minds and calm themselves in the mist of chaos and/or impending danger.

“I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.”

It reminds me of 2 Timothy 1:7.  “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

What can I say?  The control freak in me is attracted to the idea of power.  Keeping in mind, however, that with great power, comes great responsibility.  Quoting Spiderman?  Really, April?  Nope.  Voltaire said it first, circa 1832, proving once again that there is nothing new under the sun.

Old Poetry

I was digging through my computer archives when I ran across this old poem.  It's funny how our lives go through seasons.  Healing is a work in progress. 


"Two Halves"
~ by April Milam

Two halves resided
In the heart of one.
One half was free
The other was numb.

I once had a heart
that had two halves. 
One half I gave to God,
saying, "Take me as I am. 
Well, not really all,
just this part of me,
the half I'm willing
to let you see."

Either selfishness
or lack of trust
had me hiding the other half
in a box.
I locked it up tight
wrapped it in chains
determined that no one would see
the ugliness I hid in my heart
and I threw away the key.

But the numbness, you see
would not be contained
by the box and all of its chains.
Slowly it spread
to both halves of my heart
until all I had left was my pain.

That terrible ache
would wake me at night
with nightmares of heavy stones
that pinned me down
as I lost my breath
fearful at hearing
my own cracking bones.

With tears in my eyes
I prayed, "Dear Lord,
I come to you, just as I am.
Take the good.  Take the ugly.
Take all of my heart.
Lord, please make me whole again."

And He threw off the chains
and He unlocked the box
exposing darkness to light.
And the weight that was crushing me
disappeared
as the Son chased away night.

He took both pieces
of my broken heart.
He made it whole and complete.
And with mended heart
I stood by His side
and I knew
I was finally free.

Winter Blues

I know, it's been ages, years even.  Time to break the silence.  Maybe we should start over again.

Hi, my name is April and I suffer from winter depression.  I hate the way it feels, the way it twists my emotions into a cold numbing mess.  You see, I'm a bit of a control freak.  (More on that another time.)  If I can't control my surroundings, I still feel the need to control my emotions.  Call it Spock's Dilema, if you will.  A Human mother, a Vulcan father, Spock often wrestled with the puzzle of logic versus emotion.  It's not that I want to be logical all the time.  Emotions are a perfectly good and healthy thing.  It's finding a balance.  Nope, if I'm honest, that's not it.  It's being in control of both that I wrestle with.  After all, having it all together is what being humans all about, right?  Haha.  Can you hear the sarcasm dripping?

But, back to the winter depression.  Some of you have heard this story before.  A few winters back, I was sitting at my computer sorting through my digital photos when I stumbled across the flower macros I'd taken the previous summer.  The colors, the textures, the light, they all put a smile on my face.  Next I picked up my Bible for a little QT with the Creator of all those beautiful blooms.  The two activities combined, put me in such a good mood, I opened my photo editing program, pasted a verse I'd just read onto one of the flower pics and saved the image to my desktop.  Staring at the image, I thought,"Mom would like this."  So I emailed her a copy.  She called me shortly afterward and said, "April, you've got to share this."  And just like that, Desktop Blooms was born.

Now each Monday during the winter months, I send out a new image with a scripture or a prayer.  The image above was sent out this morning.  Let me know if you'd like to be added to the mailing list.

So, is that the end of my winter blues?  No.  It's a work in progress.  But by sharing my story and not being afraid to show my scars, I'm learning to enjoy the journey.

Memories from the Lake

Skin still damp from swimming in the lake most of the day, we donned sweat shirts and blue jeans as evening faded to dusk. My brother, and sister, and I huddled as close to the fire pit as we dared attempting to roast marshmallows without getting our fingers too burnt or too sticky. Sweet tooth satisfied we sat in silence as the fire crackled, embers glowing white. The flames cast their hypnotic spell, and the scent of wood-smoke crept into our clothes like a sacred lullaby.

Crickets chirped their evening song. Gentle waves lapped against the lake's shore. The small rustic cottage where we stayed as guests of a dear friend sat at the top of the hill. And the view of the lake bathed in moonlight was nothing short of childishly romantic. Some nights we would sit for what seemed like hours, mesmerized by the peaceful view, wishing on the stars above that this little spot on the hill would never change.

Inevitably change would come, but we would always hold dear the memories of that place where time stood still and perfect peace surrounded us so completely.

Lengthy but Worthwhile

On Palm Sunday, I went to visit my mother at her church. They had a guest speaker that morning. His name is Moses. He's 53 years young and a pastor at a church in East Chicago. I met Moses back in the fall at a concert. He seemed the sort of man who exuded the love of Christ, not by his words, but simply by his being. You know what I’m talking about? Hopefully, you’ve met a few of those souls that just seem to shine. That was Moses, and his message was simple. “God loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.” End of sermon. Then Moses shared with us his testimony.

Moses was born in Texas into a large family of 16 brothers and sisters, all by the same mother and father. By the time Moses was ten years old, his father developed heart problems. They were told the best heart doctors were in Chicago, so that’s were the family moved. But despite the doctor’s efforts, his father died from his ailing heart when Moses was only 11.

This young man, who had been raised in the church, made a decision to hate God, and to hate the church. He turned his back on God and went his own way. By 15 he was doing drugs. By 16 he was a dealer, making a lot of money. Time passed and he became further entrenched in the business. By 17 he was robbing banks, and holding up people by gunpoint at random, with no feeling in his heart. By 19, he was on the FBI’s most wanted list for crimes that included first degree murder.

On the run from the feds, he went back to the family that still lived in Texas. While he was there, his aunt’s church was holding a week long revival meeting. Night after night, she would plead with Moses to go, just one night, please. But Moses said no. Then a pretty girl caught his eye, and he asked his aunt, “Who’s that?”

“Oh, her? She’s one of the youths who attend our church.”

“Is she going to the revival?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Then I’ll go, too.”

So Moses went to the revival. When he got there, he didn’t see the girl, but he sat down somewhere close to the front, sticking out like a sore thumb wearing his Chicago street clothes. He wore a black leather jacket. A gold chain hung around his neck with a 37 caliber round for the charm. With drugs in his pocket, and a sneer on his face, his sat and waited for this thing to get started and get over with.

The preacher began to speak, talking about sin and sinners. He preached about how drug dealers and murderers need to turn from their evil ways and come to God. Moses started looking around thinking, drug dealers and murders in this one horse town? Who does this guy think he’s preaching to?

Moses sat there, thinking of a way to leave. That’s when he spotted the port-o-johns. That’s it, he thought, I’ll make it look like I’m getting up to use the bathroom and I’ll just keep on walking.

So he got up to walk to the back, but he did something stupid. Before he knew it, he was at the front, standing at the foot of the altar. How did I get up here? What do I do now? And the preacher continued to preach. He talked about the need to come to know God, because God loves us so much. And as the preacher preached, a tear fell down this young man’s cheek. Moses quickly wiped it away. What’s this? Men don’t cry. A tough guy like me doesn’t cry. What’s going on here?

So he bent to one knee to look like he was praying, thinking, If I pray, then I can get up and leave. But more tears began to fall. Moses didn’t understand what was going on, but he prayed, for the first time is ages he prayed, Lord, I don’t know what you’d want with a piece of scum like me. But, here I am. If you’re gonna do something with me, do it now.

And the tears flooded down his cheeks, and he was overwhelmed by the Spirit. And he laid his body down on the ground and just cried and cried. He thought that only minutes had passed, but when he raised his head everyone had gone. The revival tent was empty expect for Moses and the preacher.

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t know,” Moses said, “I think something has happened to me. I think I’m saved.”

“That’s great!” The preacher exclaimed, and he went to call everybody back in to come and see and hear what had happened.

Moses took off his gold chain with the bullet, and he took the drugs out of his pockets saying, “I don’t need these things anymore.”

Moses didn’t fully comprehend what had happened to him that day, but he grew in his understanding of the Lord, that God loved him and wanted a relationship with him. He wanted Moses. Moses, nothing but scum. Moses, nothing but a little speck of humanity. God wanted him. God loved him.

Then Moses repeated the sermon he’d given us earlier. “I’m here to tell you that God loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve done. God loves you.” End of sermon.

I know I've posted this list before, but still, it bears repeating. The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem and was a murderer
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
Mary Magdalene was, well you know
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer
Lazarus was dead!

~ ~ ~

God loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.
End of sermon.

Joy Is

I was going over my small group lesson on grace and joy, and I was reminded of how easily my five year old daughter seems able to find joy in the little everyday things in life. So I wrote out a list of her joyful occurances in the past few weeks. It really helped me recenter my focus. I hope you enjoy it.

Joy is twirling a pink umbrella
without reason
without rain

Joy is dancing with a yellow ducky
‘round the bathroom in delight
wearing the only suit you were ever born in

Joy is laughing at purple violets
that sprung up
overnight

Joy is starring up at blue skies
in wonder
of the many shapes of clouds that pass by

Joy is a pair of fancy white sandals
worn every day, plus Sunday
just because

Joy is sneaking chocolate chip cookie dough
straight from the mixing bowl
before it has a chance to get baked

Joy is praising God for green leaves
that are too high on the tree to reach
for now

Joy is a red sand pail
all shinny and new
that waits for the promise of warmer weather

Joy is all these little things
seen through the eyes of a child

Joy is where you find it

Joy is...

Wrestling With Wolves

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting."-- Psalm 139:23-24

The Wolves Within
a Cherokee legend

A boy sat thoughtfully by his grandfather’s side, waiting for the old man to speak.

"A fight goes on inside me,” the grandfather began, “a terrible fight between two wolves, each as different as day and night. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside each of us."

The grandson pondered these things and then asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Simple Feelings

Your love is a healing kiss to my soul
Your truth is what sets me free
Your grace is like hope to this failing heart
Your joy is a blessing to me

Tuesday Observations

1. The sunshine came out to play this morning. I rejoiced greatly at its brilliance, and did a little happy dance.

2. Gracious truth telling is possible and can produce some marvelous 

effects.

3. A long time ago I took a trip to a far away place. It was a ten day missions trip that changed my life. During those memorable days, I experienced a closeness to God I thought I would never reach again. I told myself it was because of the extreme circumstances of being in a third world country, doing to work Of God that caused this deep feeling of contentment, peace, and safety in the arms of my Jesus. I didn't think I'd ever reach that place again. God felt like something in the distance I had a hard time reaching. I saw my daily normal life as drudgery. I was wrong. My daily quiet time these last two weeks has shown me just how wrong I was. I can be as close to God on the mountaintop as I can while I'm making the bed.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."
-- Psalm 139:7-10